There are some stories that I have been sharing for a while, this one goes back close to twenty years. It has always been a favorite of mine and is a hit with those that hear it.

BACKGROUND
I worked at the Galleria Cinemas movie theater in Mount Lebanon, Pennsylvania from when I was 15 until I was 17. Movies were my life at the time, I would watch just about anything that showed at our theater. We had some of best movies released in the years 1990-1992, but then we also had some of the worst. We also had some movies that were pop culture phenomenons, such as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle series.

The first movie was released in 1990 to big box office success, making over 133 million dollars domestically. I witnessed this first hand working at the theater, with the lines stretching around the mall and consistent sellouts. The movie featured giant rubber costumed turtles performing awkward kung-fu moves and the voice talents of Corey Feldman and the guy that does Elmo. With the success of the first movie, the theater managers were anxiously awaiting the arrival of the sequel, which was to be released in March of 1991.

THE BIG PLAN
To celebrate the opening weekend of the release of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze the theater manager decided that it would be a good idea to rent a Ninja Turtle costume. They would have employees dress in a costume rented from a local costume shop. (It wasn’t enough for the film to feature an appearance by Vanilla Ice.) So there was a volunteer sheet posted for those that wanted to take a shift and dress up in the costume. It didn’t take much for me to be interested, anything I could do to goof-off and get paid sounded good. I volunteered for the Sunday day shift, two hours in the costume in the air conditioned mall, not a bad deal. They had received the costume on Friday and I missed the first two days it at the theater. I was hearing about how popular it was, and I was looking forward to getting into the costume and rocking that theater.

MY TURN
The day finally arrived when I would dress in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume. I had the second shift of the day in the costume, and upon arrival at the theater witnessed the “Ninja Turtle” heading to the manager’s office as the first shift came to a close. The costume was not based on what was on the screen, instead looked like a giant soft stuffed animal. In the office is where the costume switch was to take place. When the previous volunteer removed the costume I noticed firsthand how sweaty one would become. After a weekend of others wearing the costume, not only was it wet with sweat, but smelly, like an old dirty shoe. Putting on this damp, smelly costume was a bit disgusting but I jammed myself into it. With the worst part was putting on the head (still moist), holding my breath and closing my eyes I pulled the big hollow head over my head and shoulders. The only way to see out of the costume was through the turtles mouth. Strapping on my turtle shell I was ready to head out into the theater to meet the public.

SHOWTIME
Bursting through the door and into the lobby of the theater was exciting. I felt the adrenaline running through me, ready to greet the crowds, I noticed heads turning towards me, smiles on the faces, people starting to run towards me, only now realizing that nobody really told me what to do once in the costume. I didn’t have an escort, nobody to help me get around, just me in a giant costume suddenly being surrounded by children. Luckily, before I was ripped apart by the crowd, one of the ushers came to my assistance. (One thing a theater usher can do is get people to form a line.) With the assistance of the usher  I was able to take control of the situation. Shaking hands, getting my picture taken with kids, high fives, low fives, messing up kids hair, showing off a little turtle kung-fu, and even some dancing (getting into a bit too much and almost having my turtle head fall off). I quickly adapted, I became a pro, this is something that I could do, next stop character work at Disney World. Eventually the movie started and the lobby was soon empty, I had a break until the movie released in an hour. But I didn’t want to take my break and stayed in costume the whole time, entertaining my coworkers in my costume with my dance moves (cabbage patch and running man, thank you!).

YOU DESERVED IT, SUCKA
Now EXTREMELY CONFIDENT in my turtle costume, the movie began to let out. Kids running out of the theater high on theater candy, kung-fu and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle excitement there was now a different energy in the air. Where earlier the kids were excited, now they were PUMPED UP. Earlier I was giving high fives, now kids were punching my open hand. Whoaaa… Now my confidence was slowly fading, where’s my usher backup? Cleaning the theaters??? Oh crap, I’m on my own. Surrounded again. Little kids all around me. Where are their parents?

Then the crowd opened up, looking out through the turtles mouth I saw that there stood one young boy. The boy was half my size, maybe four and a half feet tall, wearing glasses too big for his head, hair combed to the side. I remember him very clearly, because everything after that moment I replay in my mind often. His body snapped into a karate stance, something he probably just learned from the film he just watched. Being the dumbass that I am I played along, giving him my best kung-fu pose, legs spread, arms up in fighting position. That’s when I lost sight of him, my vision limited due to the turtle head.

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BLINDING PAIN — NAUSEA — TESTICULAR TRAUMA

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My body went limp, I fell backwards against a wall. This little kid, this sweet little son-of -a-bitch just kicked me in the nuts. UGGGHHHHHHHH

Twenty years later I can still feel it.

His mother quickly scooped him up and hustled their butts out of the theater. A fellow usher noticed what had just happened, came to my aid and got me out of the lobby. Barely able to breathe, I ripped off my turtle head, tossed it on the ground, and vomited into a garbage can. This was the end costumed character days.

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